I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
