How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
