dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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