I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
This house was built for laser tag.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
