theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
