Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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