I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Randomize
