Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
