Jerry, you need to find god
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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