my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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