im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
