I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
