I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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