Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Randomize
