maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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