so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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