My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize