The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
