The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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