So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
