i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
