I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize