i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
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