did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize