I cut my penus on the lid.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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