CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
