just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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