State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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