My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
