your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
