He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
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