Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
