She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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