his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize