I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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