i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
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