Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
