i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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