when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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