Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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