Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
