Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
