i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
