Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
