its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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