So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
