the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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