You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
