I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
