I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
