If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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