I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
