He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
