I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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