just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
