Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
