Plan B is the new Plan A
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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