so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
