One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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