i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize