Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize