Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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