sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
