when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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