I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
