I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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