my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
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