No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
