Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Only a mothe r could love this liver
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
