I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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