Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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