When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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